First of all........I am a horrible writer. I know this. I cannot help it. I will ramble and jump around, just bear with me.
This past weekend Scoutie had a little fever. Well, I call 101.7 more than a little. She was lethargic, just not herself. It scares me half to death when she acts that way, because it just isn't her. I freak out. I cannot handle the idea of my baby being sick. So is it just me? Are all mothers this way? Riley and I are so totally different and he doesn't understand. Maybe I'm just a control freak. Her being sick and me not knowing what is wrong is beyond my control and I don't like it. Why should I worry so much? It isn't like she is screaming her head off. The wild thing is that I have this fabulous child that acts great even when she doesn't feel great. We shopped in Amarillo most of the day on Saturday. I kept giving her Tylenol to keep the fever down and she acted great. I can't relax. Seriously if I'm awake, I'm not relaxed. I'm always worrying about something even if it is so stupid. For example, I worry about dishes or my messy garage or stained clothes. Scout's first birthday is coming up. There are so many thing that I want done in the house or yard. Will I be content with working up until time and then just letting the undone things go? It's really about this sweet baby's birthday and enjoying her, right?
Anywho....(yes I meant to say "any-who").....I just want to try to be OK with not knowing. I don't have to know everything, understand everything, or fix everything. I want to live more in the moment.
So today is Memorial Day!! We had the option at school to take our students to the service at the cemetary. Of course we took them because we didn't want to have to teach (seriously). Not too many from the community were present, you know the usual people. If I had not been in school, would I have been present. Uhhhh.....most likely NOT. That makes me sad about myself. I want to be different. I don't want to be the person that is at the service only because it was a way out of class. I want my kiddo to grow up knowing and understanding these kinds of things. It kind of goes hand in hand with the "me freaking out" thing. I want my child to understand things even if they aren't always pretty or rosey. I don't want her to think that everything always has to be or will be perfect.
I want her to know that her Poppa, she'll never know, was in the Army Reserves. I want her to know about Mimi's cousin David who was killed (at age 23 or 24) fighting for our country. I want her to know about her cousin's that are serving right now. I want her to have great respect for all mankind who are sacrificing for this country whether she knows them or not.
Hope everyone has a safe and thoughful Memorial Day!!